Adam Rex
Fat Vampire:
A Never Coming of Age Story
FOR MARIE
THE FALL
DOUG CAME TO, lying on his back in what felt and smelled like a field. A gray, milky sky gaped over him. He took it in too quickly and fluttered his eyes.
Why was he on his back in a field? What was wrong with his chest? This last thought came suddenly as he sensed something pressing down on him. He lifted his head, and for a kaleidoscopic moment glimpsed the wooden stake in his heart before his vision swam black and his head hit the dirt again.
«Oh yeah,» he whispered. «Forgot.»
«You keep passing out,» said a voice. «You wake up, look at the stake, pass out again. But shouldn’t you be dead? I thought a stake through the heart was supposed to kill you.»
«It seems like a good…» wheezed Doug, «guess to me.»
High above, a crooked line of birds perforated the lightening sky. It was very cold.
«I think…I think sometimes you think you’re the hero of the story, and sometimes you think you’re the victim,» said the voice. «But you’re not either.»
THE PREVIOUS SUMMER
1
My dork embrace
DOUG SAID, «Hi,» and the girl turned. The perfect girl with red hair and a nearly empty cup of yellow beer turned and looked at him. He tried to relax his eyes, take all of her in at once — the blue belly shirt, the bottomless cleavage — without appearing to ogle. He didn’t know her or practically anyone else at the party. She didn’t know him. She wouldn’t have any reason not to talk to him.
She found a reason. Look — it was all there on her face. She’d seen through his disguise — the hair gel, the too-tight shirt from Apparel Conspiracy. He was a completely surprising form of life, something that should not be at a party, shouldn’t be addressing her. A gorilla maybe, frantically signing Koko want kitten. Koko want kitten.