If I put a flat fee on the job and I find the guy right away, I make some money. But if I don’t, then I’m out a lot of time and I don’t make out so well. And if I set a daily rate and happen to find the guy right away, I still have to keep him under surveillance for a few more days before I turn him over to the client so that I make a decent buck. I do a lot of locates, especially for bondsmen, but I don’t bring the people in myself-I have a gorilla I use for that work and I can only use him when he’s out of jail. He’s such a genius that I once got him to turn himself in on a bail-jumping rap for half the commission. So I said, “I get paid for the work I do and the risks I take, just like anyone else. If I have to go looking down a sewer, I have to be paid for the possibility of rat bites even if I don’t get bit, you understand?”

“Yes, I understand quite well. But I don’t have time to bargain with you. I’m not a good bargainer. I will pay you a thousand dollars if you will spend one week trying to find him-period.”

I pretended to think that one over. It was no contest-a grand a week is more than what some legitimate private eyes make.

“Okay, sounds reasonable to me. I’ll just need some basic facts and then I’ll get right to work.”

“Are you sure you can clear your calendar?” she wanted to know.

“Look, I didn’t solicit this business, right? If you would prefer someone more in tune with your social station, just say the word. I’m sure you can find your own way out.”

“All right, I’m sorry-maybe that wasn’t necessary. But I don’t want you to think I’m some dummy you can pull a cop-and-blow on.”

(That was a funny one. She didn’t look like a hooker-and she couldn’t be paying me to find a pimp. If those weasels aren’t visible, they’re not earning. And if they’re not earning, they’re hanging around some dummy’s apartment, spending the welfare check and planning their big comeback.)