This is a bawdy tale. Herein you will find gratuitous shagging, murder, spanking, maiming, treason, and heretofore unexplored heights of vulgarity and profanity, as well as non-traditional grammar, split infinitives, and the odd wank. If that sort of thing bothers you, then gentle reader pass by, for we endeavor only to entertain, not to offend. That said, if that’s the sort of thing you think you might enjoy, then you have happened upon the perfect story!

Lear—King of Britain

Goneril—oldest daughter of Lear, Duchess of Albany. Wife of the Duke of Albany.

Regan—second daughter of Lear, Duchess of Cornwall. Wife of the Duke of Cornwall.

Cordelia—youngest daughter of Lear, Princess of Britain.

Cornwall—Duke of Cornwall, Regan’s husband.

Albany—Duke of Albany, Goneril’s husband.

Gloucester—Earl of Gloucester, a friend of King Lear.

Edgar—eldest son of Gloucester, the heir to the earldom.

Edmund—bastard son of Gloucester.

The Anchoress—a holy woman.

Kent—Earl of Kent, close friend of King Lear.

Pocket—a fool.

Burgundy—Duke of Burgundy, a suitor to Cordelia.

France—Prince of France, a suitor to Cordelia.

Curan—captain of Lear’s guard.

Drool—an apprentice fool.

A Ghost—there’s always a bloody ghost.