Freddy could only shake his head. Of fifty million sisters he could have had, he got her. He said, “I’ve performed a rigorous calculation and concluded that the fat and sodium content of a number six deluxe special at Patty Cakes is equal to eating four fatted calves and five pounds of salt.” Freddy liked to use big words when he talked about scientific stuff.

“Right-o, Freddy,” agreed his father. “I’ve made the same calculation. Not very healthy fare.”

“But that’s why everyone goes there, Dad,” explained his daughter, “because it’s bad for you and grease tastes good.” She performed a little tap dance and squirted ketchup out of her costume’s head. “Good to the last drop,” she recited to her adoring fans.

“It doesn’t taste half as good as Dad’s soybean and tofu burgers or carrot and eggplant hot dogs,” Freddy shot back. “Or how about the fat-free fries that make your hair grow?”

Alfred Funkhouser piped in, “And don’t forget the Vroom shakes, which increase brain cell function fourteen-and-a-half percent on average, according to my latest tests.” He searched the pockets of his tomato costume. “Now where did I put those results?”

“Well, the brussels-sprout-and-cauliflower doughless pizza gave me gas,” replied Nancy.

“That’s what they invented air fresheners for, dear,” said her father.

“What we need,” said Freddy, “is to get the word out and let people know about us. The Spankers have commercials all the time on TV, and they have people passing out coupons on all the streets. We should be doing that too.”

“You doof! All that costs money – money we don’t have,” said his sister.

“That’s just not fair. Our food is lots better than theirs, and it’s good for you too.”

“That’s why our float in the Founders’ Day parade is so important,” Alfred said. “It’ll help to remind everyone in town about the Burger Castle.”