© 1993

I am grateful to all the professionals who willingly shared their time and their expertise: Dr, James Umlas, Dr. Richard Stone, Andrea Greene, Frank Perla, Eddie LaPlume, Troy Dunn, Jack Gaylord, and Eliza Saunders. For their help with fact checking, baby-sitting, and brainstorming, thanks also to Christopher van Leer, Rebecca Piland, Kath leen Desmond, Jane Picoult, Jonathan Picoult, and Timothy van Leer. Special thanks to Mary Morris and Laura Gross, and a standing ovation to Caroline White-who is as wonderful an editor as she is a friend.

Nicholas won’t let me into my own house, but I have been watching my family from a distance. So even though I’ve been camping out on the front lawn, I know exactly when Nicholas takes Max into the nursery to change his diaper. The light switches on-it’s a little dinosaur lamp that has a shade printed with prehistoric bones-and I see the silhouette of my husband’s hands stripping away the Pampers.

When I left three months ago, I could have counted on one hand the number of times Nicholas had changed a diaper. But after all, what did I expect? He had no choice. Nicholas has always been a master at emergency situations.

Max is babbling, strings of syllables that run together like bright beads. Curious, I stand up and climb the low branches of the oak that stands closest to the house. With a little bit of effort, I can pull myself up so that my chin is level with the sill of the nursery. I have been in the dark for so long that when the yellow light of the room washes over me, I keep blinking.