6.00 am

An officer unlocks my cell door and introduces himself as George. He asks me if I would like to have a shower. My towel has been hanging over the end of my bed all night and is still damp, but at least they’ve supplied me with a Bic razor so that I can set about getting rid of two days’ growth. I consider cutting my throat, but the thought of failure and the idea of having to return to the hospital wing is enough to put anyone off. The experience of that medical wing must deter most prisoners from harming themselves, because it’s not the easy option. If you are sent back to the top floor you’d better be ill, or you will be by the time they’ve finished with you.

I go off to have my shower. I’m getting quite good at anticipating when to press the button so that the flow of water doesn’t stop.

7.00 am

‘Are you ready?’ George asks politely.

‘Yes,’ I say, ‘except that my black tie has been confiscated along with my cufflinks.’

George’s fellow officer hands me a black tie, and a pair of cufflinks materialize. I can only assume that they had anticipated my problem. I point out to George that his black tie is smarter than mine.

‘Possibly, but mine’s a clip-on,’ he says, ‘otherwise I’d happily lend it to you.’

‘A clip-on?’ I repeat in mock disdain.

‘Prison regulations,’ he explains. ‘No officer ever wears a tie as it puts him at risk of being strangled.’

I learn something new every few minutes.

The two of them escort me to the front hall, but not before we’ve passed through seven double-bolted floor-to-ceiling barred gates. When we reach the reception area, I am once again strip-searched. The officers carry out this exercise as humanely as possible, though it’s still humiliating.

I am then taken out into the yard to find a white Transit van awaiting me. Once inside, I’m asked to sit in the seat farthest from the door. George sits next to the door, while his colleague slips into the spare seat directly behind him. The tiny windows are covered with bars and blacked out; I can see out, though no one can see in. I tell George that the press are going to be very frustrated.