I followed him into the dining room and not for the first time wondered why I was too scared to tell him about my clandestine thoughts and doings. Well not so much doings as researching and fantasizing. Looking at Andrew shrugging off his suit jacket and loosening his tie-the epitome of strait-laced-I restrained a sigh. I can’t tell him. He’ll think I’m a freak, or even worse, think I don’t love him, which couldn’t be further from the truth. There was no changing the reality though; I was bored with our sex life. What was left of it anyway.

We ate in silence. I shovelled tasty Chinese food into my mouth while nodding my head as Andrew related his day. I smiled in the appropriate places. I laughed at his jokes. I did so love this man who’d held the position of best friend and lover for what seemed like forever. However all the while I pretended to pay attention, my mind was in that other place. The dark place I’d discovered inside me that craved the excitement of sex, lots of sex, and not the plain vanilla variety I’d indulged in since I’d lost my virginity so long ago. I craved the kinky stuff.

Having never sowed any oats, I now clearly saw the benefit, not that I regretted my life. I just wished I’d known more, experienced more, before settling down. Andrew and I had started dating in high school a million years ago. I gave him my virginity in the standard method, in the backseat of his car with steamed windows. We never broke up or dated anyone else. We went to the same college together-well he did. I dropped out after two years to pop out the requisite boy and girl who were both grown now and off to college. I guess we could be classed as empty nesters now in our forties. Middle-aged and I’d finally hit my midlife crisis, well at least when it came to sex.

Funny, but our lack of spice in the bedroom hadn’t bothered me when I was a teen or a young mother. My dissatisfaction had only started a few years ago when the children no longer needed me, and I’d discovered I had too much free time on my hands. Around that time my libido woke up and declared, “I’m horny.” Our standard once a week suddenly wasn’t enough. Actually, even though I orgasmed, the whole act left me dissatisfied and yearning for something more.