These should be sturdy and level. The only proven way to check for sturdiness is to drop a men’s standard sixteen-pound bowling ball (Always carry one with you!) onto the floor from a height of seventy-five feet through a hole drilled in the roof, then carefully note the results. (No, the seller will not object, unless he has “something to hide.”)

To check for levelness, you will need a standard piece of string and a standard rock. Using a standard knot, tie one end of the string, then, holding the other end of the string, stand in the middle of a room, and carefully note which way the rock points. Ideally, it will point toward the floor. If it points somewhere else, such as toward a wall, this is often an indication of nonlevelness.

Forget about the plumbing. It will work perfectly. It always does, when you inspect it, because plumbing is one of the most intelligent life forms on the planet, and it would never be so foolish as to tip its hand to you. It will wait until after you have bought the house. Then it will make its move. Late some night, you’ll hear strange gurglings and sloshings in your pipes; this will be the sound of your toilets communicating with each other, making their plans:

FIRST TOILET: It’s on. Tomorrow is New Year’s Day, they have house guests, it’s four degrees below zero outside, and their plumber is in Switzerland. We break tonight.

SECOND TOILET: Ha ha! I’ll tell the hot water heater.

The most important thing to find out about the electrical system is whether it contains enough “volts,” which are little tiny pieces of energy shaped like arrows so you can tell which direction they’re moving in science class diagrams.