The best way to select a new mechanic is to conduct a little competence test, wherein you deliberately disconnect one spark plug wire from your car’s engine. Then you go around to various gas stations, tell the attendants that you think something is wrong with your engine, and see if they can correctly diagnose the problem.
INCORRECT DIAGNOSIS: “So?”
CORRECT DIAGNOSIS: “Sounds like something is wrong with your, whaddyacallit, engine.”
If you find somebody who gives you the correct diagnosis, you should cling to him the way the remora clings to the shark. If you have a daughter, you should encourage her to marry him.
Selecting A Supermarket
The major things we look for in a supermarket are:
1. A wide selection of browsing material at the checkout counter in the form of People magazine and tabloid-size newspapers with headlines like “BURT REYNOLDS WEDS GIANT UFO CENTIPEDE”
2. A policy whereby people who get in the check-out line clutching large, time-consuming wads of food coupons are actually charged more for their groceries.
3. Very strict enforcement of the ten-item limit in the express lane. Ideally, this enforcement would involve a trap-door. (“Oh? Do I have fourteen items? I didn’t reallllEEEEEEEEEEEEEE)
Joining Local Clubs And Organizations
This is an excellent way for a newcomer like yourself to make friends with many local community leaders, all of whom will want to sell you insurance.
Giving Money To The Local Police Association
We always do this. Whenever they come around, we give them a generous contribution and a cheerful smile, because deep in our souls we have this nagging fear that they write your name down somewhere, and if you did not contribute, it will come back to haunt you: