The establishment has resounded with the usual indignation, outrage and silly whining about how darned unfair the whole thing is. (I don't know precisely what the Chamber of Commerce thinks Miami's national image is, but I promise that the rest of the country wasn't exactly stunned to see us at the bottom of this list.)

At the risk of joining the apologist chorus, I have to admit that the stress test was sort of a cheap shot: There's no way to compare Miami with any other city in America. We're a special place and we deserve our own special standards.

So here's the South Florida Stress Test that I'm proposing for next year.

Scoring is simple: 30 points or less means minimum stress—you're doing fine. Forty to 80 points means it's time to restock the Valium.

Anything over 80 points and you'd better pull the kids out of school, call the moving van and start house-hunting in a quieter place. Say, Beirut.

CARL HIAASEN'S SOUTH FLORIDA STRESS TEST

1. On the average, how many nights a week are you awakened by the sound of gunfire?

* Every night (10 points)

* Four nights or fewer (5 pts.)

* I sleep right through it (1 pt.)

2. Judging by your experience, what kind of gunfire is it?

* Saturday Night Special (1 pt.)

* MAC-10 or Uzi (5 pts.)

* Medium-range artillery (10 pts.)

3. A safe neighborhood means less stress. If you could see over the eight-foot wall around your neighbor's house, you'd discover that he is:

* A run-of-the-mill drug smuggler (1 pt.)

* An exiled dictator (5 pts.)

* An international arms merchant (10 pts.)

4. How many times have you been taken hostage by a deranged lunatic who was not a member of your immediate family?

* Only once or twice (1 pt.)

* Three or more times (5 pts.)

* I am currently a hostage (10 pts.)