Our friendship had become sort of topsy-turvy. When we first met he was the perpetually happy boyfriend of my now late best friend, but later I witnessed the cruel, destructive puppet he had become for Hadrian. Since the summer, Ryan had been on a tough road finding himself, little by little revealing snippets of the real him. Every so often, when he was willing to let his guard down, another layer would slough off. I knew deep down how hard it must be for him. To trust me. To be my friend. In a way we were both robbed by Hadrian. Robbed of ourselves. But more importantly, we share the loss of one special person. Claire.

“Besides my mom, Claire was the only other person who called me ‘Tea’,” I explained.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to remind you.”

I shuffled my shoes back and forth, then looked up into Ryan’s face. He looked like a puppy waiting to be reprimanded.

“No, it’s okay,” I instinctively reached out and rubbed his arm. “Really. Now and then things come out that remind me of her, that’s all.”

“Yeah,” he said, still looking uncomfortable.

“Being reminded of her is okay though. I like to think of her; makes me feel like she’s still here.”

The light came back into his eyes and I knew I had said the right thing.

“She used to call you that all the time. You were always Tea, never Teagan, to her,” he muttered reflectively. “That’s just who you are to me.”

A gratuitous smile slipped across my lips just as the second bell rang and then he turned and walked across the hall, disappearing through the door of his classroom. I felt a little hollow just then as I walked past the other desks to my own. A sea of questions floated in front of me. I could grab any one of them and still come up empty. What to think? What to feel? I didn’t quite know at the moment.

I suppose it was a small trade. Claire for Ryan. With Claire’s family moved away now, Ryan was the next best thing—the only tie left to her here. What would Claire think? A tiny part of me wanted to believe that she already knew; maybe even planned it. Ryan was the only one who knew and loved Claire as much as I did.