'So. How are you going to demonstrate this intellectual point using craft skills? Which, as I understand it, is your definition Of art.'

Philip was grinning. 'I'm going to photograph your cock in a McDonald's bun.'

Michael couldn't resist. 'It will certainly be an improvement on their usual fare.'

'I'm going to photograph you as Billy Graham preaching, but with your cock hanging out.'

See what an education in the arts can do for you? 'What about lawsuits?'

'You want lawsuits? I'm going to dress your member up as Monica Lewinsky.'

'How? How are you going to do that?'

'I'll put a beret on it, and stick it in a weight watchers ad. I'll wrap it up as a cigar. I dunno.'

'Phil. This is not art. These are ideas for joke greetings cards. You know, courgettes standing in for dicks. And why pick on poor Monica?'

'Because she got hurt. The Republicans got it wrong. They thought pornography meant sex rather than harmlessness. They wrecked a nice, modern girl's life and people hated it. I mean, would Republicans understand pornography? Politics is pornography. Will the Right Honourable Member for Finchley East please stand?' Phil flickered like a candle about to go out.

Michael was smiling. In many ways, this was the best conversation they had had in years. 'Phil. You are not going to photograph my dick. Use someone else's, but not mine, OK?'

'Why not?'

Partly, Michael thought, because it's so ugly. 'Well aside from putting your audience off their dinner… I just don't want to. I'd be embarrassed. I'm a lecturer, I've got students. It might cause trouble at work. OK?'