Jorge, on the other hand, really fell for Ivory and actually proposed marriage to her. She had this thing where guys would propose to her all the time, which I never understood. Every guy she dated was absolutely in love with her. I mean, Ivory was very attractive and funny, but men acted like her vagina had some sort of potpourri shooting out of it.

Anyway, Jorge proposed and Ivory accepted like she always did until she sobered up and realized Jorge probably just wanted his visa.

The next day we received a phone call from the Martha's Vineyard Police Department wanting to know if we had any idea of the whereabouts of a Mr. Jorge Menendez, who was wanted for grand theft auto. No wonder they were cooking for us at home.

I told the police my parents weren't home and our gardener's name was Alejandro. Other than that, I didn't know anyone of Spanish descent.

I explained to Ivory that our summer of love was over and we needed to vacate the premises. We packed our bags, called home, and told our parents that we were homesick. That's slang for "on the run."

We discussed our future and decided since we were both twenty and hated college as well as New Jersey, it was time to broaden our horizons.

"How does California sound to you?" Ivory asked. "You could be an actress and I'll get a real job."

"Finally," I moaned. "Now you're starting to make sense."

And off we went.

GUESS WHO'S LEAVING THROUGH THE WINDOW?

"SHVARTZER" is the term my father uses to refer to black people. It is a Yiddish slang word that basically means "black," "colored," or "Negro." My father will argue with you until the sun comes up that he doesn't have a racist bone in his body, one of his favorite defenses being, "Are you kidding? I love the blacks, they make great employees. Plus, they can run like bell." This is the same man who went to a cocktail party in the late eighties with my mother and upon seeing the only black couple there, approached the woman and asked her if she would be interested in cleaning our house.