I even telephoned my new editor at Walker Books to complain. Her name is Kris Croat and she was recently asked to work on the Diamond Brothers books — which is strange, because she’s a woman of few words and most of them don’t make any sense. She learned English as a second language and unfortunately she still prefers Hungarian. When she gets over-excited, we have to hire a translator. Most of her books have never sold a copy outside of Budapest.

“I want to write the next book,” I told her.

“Hello?” she replied. I could imagine her reaching for an English dictionary. She’s a big woman with muscular arms that are covered in tattoos. Where’s Wally? Maisy the mouse. Some of Walker’s biggest successes began life on her biceps.

“This is Tim Diamond!” I said.

“Hello, Tim!” She has a strange sing-song voice. What’s also really strange is that it’s hopelessly out of tune. “To hear from you, it is a pressure.”

“I think you mean… a pleasure.”

“No I don’t.”

“Well, I’ve just read ‘South by South East’…”

“That’s great, Tim. Because nobody else has.”

“The reason why I’m ringing is because I don’t think it’s fair. Half of it isn’t true!”

“It makes you look like a very stupid person. Yes?”

“Exactly!”

“And you say the other half of it is not true?”

“Listen to me, Miss Croat.” I had to remind myself that this wasn’t a sensitive woman on the other end of the line. She’d spent six years working in a Hungarian slaughterhouse before she went into children’s publishing. She was one of the very few editors who could strangle a horse with her bare hands. “I want another author,” I snarled.

“It’s time to get rowling,” she agreed.