“Bernie-”

“Sydney Greenstreet’s the psychiatrist who sets a trap for him. See, the way he does it…You don’t care, do you?”

“Not hugely.”

“Brother Orchid was pretty interesting. Edward G. Robinson was the star. He’s a gangster, and Bogart takes over the mob while Robinson’s in Europe. He comes back and Bogart’s men try to rub him out, and he escapes and takes shelter in a monastery, where he takes the name Brother Orchid and spends his time growing flowers.”

“What did you do after the movie, Bern? Take shelter in a monastery?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. You went out for coffee, right? Espresso for two at the little place down the block from the movie house.”

“Right.”

“And then you went home to your place, and Ilona went wherever Ilona goes. I’ve never met anybody named Ilona before. In fact the only Ilona I’ve ever heard of is Ilona Massey, and I wouldn’t know her if it weren’t for crossword puzzles. ‘Miss Massey, five letters.’ She’s right up there with Uta Hagen and Una Merkel and Ina Balin.”

“Don’t forget Ima Hogg.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it. The two of you went your separate ways after the movie. Right?”

I sighed. “Right.”

“What’s going on, Bern?”

“For God’s sake,” I said. “It’s the nineties, remember? Dating’s a whole new ballgame. People don’t jump in bed on the first date the way they used to. They take time, they get to know one another, they-”

“ Bern, look at me.”

“I wasn’t avoiding your eyes.”

“Of course you were, and I don’t blame you. ‘People don’t jump in bed on the first date.’ How many dates have you had with this woman?”

“A few.”

“Try fourteen.”

“It can’t be that many.”

“You’ve been out with her every night for two weeks. You’ve seen twenty-eight Humphrey Bogart movies. Twenty-eight! And the closest you’ve come to physical intimacy is when your hands bump into each other reaching for the popcorn.”