“Do people realize she’s crazy?”

“Crazy? Who said she was crazy?”

“Never mind,” she said. “Look, Bern, I think I’d better call her.”

“What for?”

“To break the date.”

“To break the date?” I stared at her. “Wait a goddam minute here,” I said. “You mean to say you’ve got a date with her? I thought I was the one who had a date with her.”

“You do.”

“This isn’t gonna be another Denise Raphaelson affair, is it?”

“No, of course not.”

“Remember Denise Raphaelson?”

“Of course I remember her.”

“She was my girlfriend,” I said, “and then one day she was your girlfriend.”

“Bern—”

“Just like that,” I said. “Poof. Just like that.”

“Bern, focus for a minute, okay? Pull yourself together.”

“Okay.”

“I want to call Patience to break your date because you’re drunk and it wouldn’t be a great idea for you to see her tonight. Do you understand?”

“Yes.”

“You’ve just started seeing her, it’s still early in the relationship, and you’d be making the wrong impression.”

“I might fart,” I said.

“Well—”

“Or mention farting, or something. So I’d better not see her.” I took a deep breath. “You’re absolutely right, Carolyn. I’ll call her right now.”

“No, I’ll call.”

“Would you do that? Would you really do that for me?”

“Sure.”

“You’re a wonderful person, Carolyn. You’re the best friend any man ever had. Or any woman. You’re an equal-opportunity friend, Carolyn.”

“Just let me have her number, Bern.”

“Oh,” I said. “Right.”

She went away, and a few minutes later she was back again. “All taken care of,” she said. “I told her you had a nasty case of stomach flu and the doctor thought it was probably food poisoning. I said it looked as though you got a bad burrito at lunch.”