"I wish that I could simply say yes, but I can't. Rong, we are watched by millions. We must set an example."

"Orchid," Rong burst out, "you are the ruler of China!"

"Rong, please. I believe Mother would understand."

"No, she wouldn't, because I can't. You are a terrible daughter, selfish and heartless!"

"Excuse me," Doctor Sun Pao-tien interrupted. "Your Majesty, may I have you concentrate on your fingers? Your mother's eyes will remain forever open if you stop pressing."

"Yes, Doctor."

"Harder, and steady," the doctor instructed. "Now hold it. You are almost there. Don't move."

My sister helped to hold my arms.

Mother's face in repose was deep and distant.

"It's Orchid, Mother," I whispered, weeping.

I couldn't believe she was dead. My fingers caressed her smooth and still-warm skin. I had missed touching her. Ever since I had entered the Forbidden City, Mother was forced to get down on her knees to greet me when she visited. She insisted on following the etiquette. "It is the respect you deserve as the Empress of China," she said.

We rarely had privacy. Eunuchs and ladies in waiting surrounded me constantly. I doubted Mother could hear me from where she had to sit, ten feet away from me. It didn't seem to bother her, though. She pretended that she could hear. She would answer questions I hadn't asked.

"Gently, release the eyelids," Doctor Sun Pao-tien said. Mother's eyes remained closed. Her wrinkles seemed to have disappeared, and her expression was restful.

I am the mountain behind you. Mother's voice came to my mind:

Like a singing river

You break out to flow freely.

Happily I watch you,

The memory of us

Full and sweet.

I had to be strong for my son. Although Tung Chih, who was seven, had been Emperor for two years, since ascending the throne in 1861, his regime had been chaotic.