Testimony of Witness No. 5671 before the Special Presidential Investigative Commission. Leonard Drucker, thirty-one years old, unmarried, of 238 West 10^th Street, New York City, Borough of Manhattan, employed as a salesman by the Har-Bern Office Partition Company of 205 East 42^nd Street, New York City, Borough of Manhattan. Witness, being placed under oath, does swear and depose:

Well, I don’t know, the telephone woke me up about eight A.M. on that Wednesday morning. I grabbed at it, half falling out of bed, and finally managed to juggle it up to my ear. A girl’s voice was saying, “Hello, Lennie? Is that you, Lennie? Hello?”

After a couple of seconds, I recognized the voice. I said, “Doris? Yeah, it’s me. What’s the matter?”

“You tell me, Lennie!” She sounded absolutely hysterical. “Have you been listening to the radio? I called up three people already and they’re just as bad as the radio. You sure you’re all right?”

“I’m fine. Hey, it’s eight o’clock—I had another fifteen minutes sleep. And my coffee—it’s in the percolator. Let me turn the—the—”

“You too!” she screeched. “It’s affected you too! What’s the matter with everybody? What’s happening?” And she hung up.

I put down the phone and shuddered. Doris was a girl I’d been seeing, and she’d looked very normal. Now it was obvious she was just another kooky Village chick. I may live in the Village, but I hold down a good job and I dress conservatively. Usually, I stay far away from kooky Village chicks.

There was no point in going back to sleep, so I flipped the switch gizmo on my electric percolator and turned it on. That, I guess, is the crucial part of this testimony. You see, I always set up my coffee percolator the night before and fill it with water. When I get up in the morning, I’m too blind and dopey to cook anything.