Now, don’t go rolling your eyes or sucking your teeth. It’s really so unnecessary. Anyway, as I was explaining, I use my lips and tongue to journey down and around his neck to his shoulders, planting soft kisses on them. Then I make my way to his chest. Massaging it with my hands, licking and nibbling, and twirling my tongue over and around his nipples until they become erect, and hard like miniature skittles. Mmm. Planting wet kisses in the center of his chest, down to his navel, dipping my tongue in. Then I flick my tongue over the head of his throbbing dick before running my fingertips and tongue along the inside of his thighs, kissing, licking, and nibbling up and down them until my tongue reaches his balls. Mmm. I fondle them, lightly suck and lick on them, lapping up the scent of desire that clings beneath them. Finally, I place them in my mouth, and softly start to hum, flicking them with my tongue. Then I increase the humming on his balls. Trust me. This little trick takes him to the edge every time, giving him an intense, mind-bending experience. You’ll have him holding his head in his hands, biting on his bottom lip, grabbing the sheets, climbing walls.

Eventually, I give him what he wants most, what he aches for—my soft lips and hot tongue swirling around the head of his dick. I kiss and nibble on it, licking the excitement that seeps and drizzles from its slit. Oooh, mmm. I can almost taste his sweet, sticky nectar. See. When I take him all the way in my mouth, I am swallowing him in, savoring the strength of his dick. And when I feel him about to explode, I massage the fleshy area between his balls and ass, pressing on his prostate, giving him a rush of pleasure that causes him to see stars. Yes, if you didn’t know, now you do. I’m the Nut Cracker, aka the Man Handler. And this, my little darlings, is my official ho report. Welcome to my world, baaaaby!

Um, wait a minute. Before I let you get too deep into whom I am and what I do, I have some questions for you: Is it really as hard as most women say it is to find a good man? Are all the good men already taken? Is there really a shortage of good, decent men in the world? Is the black man really an endangered species? Or is there simply an abundance of lonely, miserable, sex-deprived women out here?