Once you’ve determined the chemical content, you should add some random chemicals to your soil. Many lawn experts recommend that you add nitrogen, which is stupid, because nitrogen is a gas, and there is no way in the world you can add it to your lawn. It will simply drift off into the atmosphere the instant you open the bag. So your best bet is to just go up to the medicine cabinet and root around for some chemicals in the form of old prescription pills and dump them on your lawn.
I use old tranquilizers on my lawn, and not only have I saved a lot of money on chemicals, but I’ve also found that I have an extremely relaxed lawn. Take the earthworms. Instead of sliming around underground in a nervous, twitching manner, as so many worms do, my worms loll about on the lawn surface, laughing the laugh of the truly carefree. Oh, sure, sometimes they get underfoot, but it’s a lot better than the time I gave them amphetamines and they were up all night shrieking about how nobody loved them.
Dandelions And Crabgrass
Dandelions are easy to get rid of: You just jab them with red-hot knitting needles. Some people even eat them in soups and salads. Most of these people die within hours.
Crabgrass, the squat, ugly, tattooed plant that makes up 85 percent of your lawn, is tougher. Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons. Oh, I know you’ve seen advertisements for lawn products that are supposed to kill crabgrass, but don’t believe them. Crabgrass thrives on these products. In fact, my crabgrass often tries to dupe me into buying them. When I’m getting into my car, my crabgrass will yell, in mock horror, “Oh, please, don’t go to the garden supply store and buy one of those deadly anticrabgrass lawn products!”
The only way to deal with crabgrass is to sneak up on it in the dead of night, pound it repeatedly with a ball-peen hammer, and flee on foot before it can snare you by the ankles. You won’t kill the crabgrass, of course, but it may become irritated enough to move to a neighbor’s lawn.