Lumberyards are dangerous and hostile places, inhabited by suspicious men who wear bib overalls and spit a lot and duck behind piles of boards as soon as they see a homeowner coming. These men have lived in the lumberyard since childhood. It is the only home they know. At night, they just pull sheets of plywood over themselves and go to sleep. They don’t like intruders, especially homeowners such as yourself who are buying wood for some idiot home project, and they will try any crafty ruse to drive you away. For example, all their wood measurements are lies. A so-called two-by-four is not two anythings by four anythings, and so on. There is no way you can possibly know what size of wood you’re getting.

Another common trick among the lumbermen is to call things by silly names, such as “soffit.” They dream these names up at night while they’re lying under their sheets of plywood, and they use them to make you feel stupid when you try to order your wood.

YOU: Hi. I’d like two eight-foot two-by-fours, please.

LUMBERMAN: What are they for?

YOU: What?

LUMBERMAN: Are they for joists? Headers? Beams? Rafters? Footers? Sills? Framing? Tenons? Partitions? Templates? Easements? Debentures? Just what is it you want, mister?

YOU: Uh, well, ah, maybe I better go home and recheck my measurements.