“Because I’m a fuckup.” He raised his gaze; I met it silently. Without a word, long and steadily, we held each other’s eyes.

Then, because I know that face so well, I saw him fighting a smile. Dammit, I wanted to yell, this isn’t funny! And it wasn’t. But what was, was how hard he was working to stifle it. Bet you can’t, I thought, and felt my own mouth twitching.

And suddenly there we both were, cracking up. Howling, gasping for breath, astonishing a month’s worth of dust and gloom. I laughed so hard tea slopped out of the mug I held. Until in an instant I felt a change, a spin-around: Now I wasn’t laughing, I was sobbing.

Bill jumped from his chair, came around the desk, and held me, an awkward manuever since I was sitting down. The clumsiness of it struck me as hilarious, and I was laughing again, and then crying, and both, until I didn’t know anymore what kind of shudders were convulsing me.

Finally, the storm let up. I pushed Bill away, stood, and made for the bathroom. I went through the cold water routine again, this time spending longer for less result. When I came out, Bill was back in his chair, halfway through a cigarette.

“Who said you could smoke in here?”

“You changed the rules?” He held the cigarette over the ashtray, prepared to stub it out.

“No. But you’re lucky I still have that.”

“The ashtray? Yeah, but you hid it. It wasn’t easy to find.”

“You’re supposed to be a detective.” I dropped into my chair.

“As such I have a question.”

“Which is?”

“When did you start using four-letter words?”

“I haven’t, as a rule. But some situations demand extreme measures.”

“Like me.”

“Yes, I’d say you’re one of those situations.” I paused. “Bill?” I said, more gently. “How’s Gary?”

Bill looked into his coffee. “Coping.”

“Better than you?”

He shrugged.

As badly as things turned out in that case, they’d have turned out worse if Bill hadn’t been there, and people-including Gary -told him that, but it didn’t comfort him. I think the reason Bill disappeared after that was that he didn’t want to hear anymore how it wasn’t his fault.