Never again to have a woman? Suicide would be preferable.

He extricated himself, paid five guineas, left the aseptic chambers and entered the bright afternoon. London was burgeoning, wrapped in the promise of spring. Blade began to walk, feeling bitter, noting that his shadow was moving along on the opposite sidewalk, a bit ahead of him. Blade did not know the man; J would hardly be so clumsy as to plant a familiar face on his tail. But Blade had made a check of his own. The man was from MI6, right enough, and it was nice of old J to be concerned. It would be better all around, of course, if Blade simply went to his boss and explained.

«Look, J, no need for you to worry. I'm in my right mind. I'm not drinking excessively. I'm in excellent health, certified by six doctors, and I'm worried and scared to death. I cannot achieve a hard-on, J, no matter what. Nothing works. I have had hormones shot into me until my arm looks like an addict's. Still nothing. But it's my worry, not yours, so take your man off and put him to doing something useful.»

Blade could not do that. As he turned at last into Berkeley Street and headed for the Square-dare he keep this third date with Lady Margaret French-Taylor? — he knew that he simply didn't have the courage to confess to J, or to any of his friends, his peers, his own class. Why this should be so, he could not fathom. It was juvenile and stupid. And Blade was not a stupid man. In no sense was he a coward, in either a physical or moral way, yet he admitted to himself that not even under torture would he bring himself to tell another man that he was finished sexually.

He walked through Berkeley Square, thinking that it would be easier to tell the truth to a woman. He very nearly had two days ago. Lady Margaret French-Taylor-Meg to her friends and bedmates was the most beautiful woman in London and she was beginning to suspect. Blade grimaced now as he recalled the scene. He had turned coward at the last moment and pleaded too much brandy and fatigue. Meg had looked skeptical….