And Rutledge knew then, and in all his waking moments since that dreadful half-death, that one more night-one more day-would have seen him refuse orders as well, refuse to be a party to more ungodly slaughter. Instead, he’d been patched up at the nearest aid station and sent back to the trenches, a man emotionally destroyed, trying desperately to protect his men, and all the while, the voice of a dead man ringing in his head and in his dreams and in his ears.
Rutledge said, “There’s the park.” He wasn’t aware that he’d spoken aloud, but the dog turned its head as if the words were meant for him. “Good dog,” he said, and then considered Hamish’s remark. Rutledge’s godfather, David Trevor, had shut himself away in his Scottish hunting lodge after the death of his son Ross at sea. There had been times when Rutledge had been sorely tempted to confide in Trevor about his own war, about what he had done, but Scotland held too many memories now. And however much Trevor had wanted Rutledge to befriend and guide Fiona, the young woman who was foster mother to Trevor’s grandson, it was not possible. She was the girl Hamish had intended to marry after the war, and she still grieved for her dead fiance. Every time Rutledge looked into her face, his own wretched guilt closed his throat.
It should have been Hamish, not himself, who had come home at the end of the war.
He could feel himself losing touch with the present, the London street he was crossing in the midst of traffic. His surroundings faded into images of torn and bloody young bodies lying in the mud, and the sounds of men who screamed in agony as they were mortally hit, or begged for their wives and mothers to help them.