Tatiana de Rosnay
A Secret Kept
(c) 2010
This book is for
Cecilia and Alexis, my wonderful sister and brother,
and for Cedric and Caroline, their loved ones.
In loving memory of Pierre-Emmanuel (1989-2006)
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it.
– HENRY SCOTT HOLLAND
“Manderley was no more.”
– DAPHNE DU MAURIER, Rebecca
A Secret Kept
I am shown into a small, drab room, told to sit down and wait. Six empty brown plastic chairs face each other on tired linoleum. In a corner, a fake green plant, shiny leaves coated with dust. I do as I am told. I sit down. My thighs tremble. My palms feel clammy, my throat parched. My head throbs. I think, I should call our father now, I should call him before it gets too late. But my hand makes no effort to grab the phone in the pocket of my jeans. Call our father and tell him what? Tell him how?
The lighting is harsh, glaring strips of neon barring the ceiling. The walls are yellowish and cracked. I sit there, numb. Helpless. Lost. I long for a cigarette. I wonder if I am going to retch, bring up the bitter coffee and stale brioche I had a couple of hours ago.
I can still hear the screech of the wheels, feel the sudden lurch of the car as it veered sharply to the right, careening into the railing. And her scream. I can still hear her scream.
How many people have waited here? I think. How many people have sat where I am sitting now and waited for news of their loved ones? I cannot help imagining what these jaundiced walls have seen. What they know. What they remember. Tears, shouts, or relief. Hope, pain, or joy.