You should also be sure to have the electrical system taken out. You cannot “childproof” it by plugging those little plastic caps into all the outlets. Children emerge from the womb knowing how to remove those caps by means of an instinctive outlet-cap-plucking reflex that doctors regard as one of the key indicators that the child is normal.
Baby’s Room
Baby’s room must be kept at a steady temperature of 72 degrees Fahrenheit and a relative humidity of 63 percent, and it must have wallpaper with clowns holding blue, red, and green balloons. Baby’s room should be close enough to your room so that you can hear baby cry, unless you want to get some sleep, in which case baby’s room should be in Peru.
Baby’s Crib
The important thing to remember here is that baby does not sleep in the crib. Baby sleeps in the car. Baby uses the crib as a place to cry and go to the bathroom, so the crib has to be fully protected. To make up the crib, first put down the mattress, then a rubber pad, then a yellow rain slicker, then a stout canvas tarpaulin, then a shower curtain, then a two-inch-thick layer of road tar, then a bale of highly absorbent rags, then a cute little sheet with pictures of clowns holding blue, red, and green balloons. You should have lots of spares of all these things.
Other Furniture for Baby’s Room
Your best bet is an industrial dumpster.
Baby’s Clothes
Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why so few high-level corporate executives are babies? The reason is that most babies do not dress for success.