I am in this week'sPeople magazine, but not on the cover. Bruce Springsteen is on the cover with whats-her-name, that flat-faced new wife of his, Patty Scholastica or Scoliosis something like that. In the article she refers to Bruce as "the Boss" and discusses what she calls his "private side."

If she's calling Bruce "the Boss," I can tell you she knows absolutely nothing about his "private side."

I was the boss when Bruce and I were together. Maybe I should give this Patty person a call and tell her how Bruce needs to have it, give her a few pointers and clear up this "Boss" issue once and for all. Tell her how Bruce groveled and begged for a commitment and how he behaved when I turned him down. I'd said, "What's the use of being a multimillionaire when you walk around dressed like a second-shift welder at U.S. Pipe and Boiler?" Bruce wants to keep in touch with his "people," which is admirable in theory but grotesque when you consider the fact that his "people" consume gasoline, domestic beer, and acne medication in equal amounts.

Bruce took it hard and picked up these women on the rebound. I remember running into that last wife of his, the model, at a party. It was she, I, Morley Safer, and Waylon Jennings. We were waiting for the elevator, and she was saying to Waylon that Bruce had just donated seven figures to charity, and I said, "No matter how much money Bruce gives to charity, I still say he's one of the tightest men I've ever known." It went right over her head, but Morley knew what I was talking about and we shared a smile.

I am in this week'sPeople magazine celebrating my love with Charlton Heston. There are pictures of me tossing a pillow into his face, pretending to be caught during a playful spat. You know that we can be real with one another because on the next page there I am standing on tiptoe planting a big kiss on his neck while Burgess Meredith, Bobby Packwood, and some other old queens are standing and applauding in the background. Then I'm in the kitchen flipping pancakes to show I'm capable. I'm walking down the street with Charlton Heston, and then I'm staring out to sea, digging my bare toes deep into the sand, in this week'sPeople magazine.