Can you answer the phone?

This sentence has the form of a simple question which requires only a yes or no answer, yet the typical response to it is for you to answer the phone. In other words, you will respond to this question as though your friend had made a direct request of you,

Answer the phone.

The use of the yes/no form of a question in cases such as this is the polite way of making a direct request. Again, the therapist, by skillfully employing this pattern, leaves the family member maximum freedom to respond.

We return, now, to the transcript.

Therapist: Yes, Dave; can you tell me one thing that is missing for you?

Dave: I want some things for myself and I really feel that my family needs some things, too.

Therapist: Can you tell me what some of those things are?

The therapist has begun the task of coming to understand how Dave wants to change. He will repeat this process with each of the family members. In order to be effective in family therapy, the therapist needs to understand both what resources the family presently acknowledges and uses, and also on what expectations the family can agree — the desired state of the family system toward which they agree to work. Each and every verbal and non-verbal exchange with family members gives the therapist information to understand the present state of the family system and at the same time it gives the family members an opportunity to learn. By skillful communication, the therapist, from the very beginning, helps the family members to develop a reachable goal for their changes — the desired state. In this particular case, the therapist is asking the male parent what he wants — what changes in the family would be acceptable for him, what he wants for himself and for his family. Dave attempts to respond; he says,