This is an example of a common pattern — people coming to us for assistance often are not specific about what it is that they want or hope for. Our task, then, is to assist them in being specific. This is reflected in the words they use to communicate with others. When a part of a sentence picks out some specific portion of the listener's experience, then we say that that part has a referential index.

Can you tell me one thing. . .

Can you tell me what some of those things are...

Here the therapist is systematically assisting Dave to identify what he wants. At the same time, the therapist is providing the family members with an effective way of communicating. When the therapist hears something which he is unable to connect with his own experience, rather than let unsuccessful communication slide by or pretend that he really understands or that he can read Dave's mind, he simply identifies the portion of the sentence which he could not understand and asks about it. Any assumptions need to be checked out. The therapist, by demanding clear communication, gives the family the message that he takes seriously both his ability to understand and their ability to communicate, and that he is interested in really understanding what they want.

Therapist: Can you tell me what some of those things are?

Dave: Well, I don't know… I guess I've just lost touch …

Therapist: Lost touch with?

Dave: I don't know. . . . I'm not sure.

Therapist: Dave, what is it, specifically, that you don't know, that you're not sure of?

Dave: … Well, I'm not sure anymore of what I want, for me or for my family. I'm a little bit scared. Therapist: … scared of?

The therapist is continuing to assist Dave in coming to understand what, specifically, it is that he wants for himself and his family.