The Happy Homeowner’s Guide to Ritual Closing Ceremonies, Newton’s First Law of Furniture Buying, the Lethal Chemicals Man, and Other Perils of the American Dream 

The desire to own a home of one’s own has been a part of human nature ever since that fateful moment, millions of years ago, when our earliest ancestors climbed down out of their trees and moved into their very first caves. It was a major moment in history, and its glory was dimmed only slightly by the fact that their furniture did not arrive for another 250,000 years.

Yes, moving into a new home is one of life’s great adventures, constantly posing new and exciting challenges.

For example, just recently my wife, son, and I moved to Florida, and the first thing I noticed was that there were crabs living under our house. There were two main ones, named Bob and Steve, who had established holes on either side of our front door, which they were always working on. I’d come out in the morning to get the paper, and there would be Bob and Steve, waving their claws at me as if to say in cheerful crab language: “Hi, Mr. Barry! We’re digging holes under your house, and unless you do something, the entire structure will eventually fall into the canal!”

What I ultimately decided to do about the crabs was the same thing I ultimately do about virtually all homeowner-type problems, namely—and you might want to write this down, because it is the core philosophy of this entire book—I try not to think about it. Trust me, this is the best way. If God had wanted us to spend all our time fretting about the problems of home ownership, He would never have created beer.

This is not to say that I am recommending that you totally ignore your responsibilities as a homeowner and just sit around all day with a beer can in your hand. No indeed, I have long been a believer in purchasing bottled beer, and pouring it into a chilled glass. “If you’re going to do something, do it right”that is my motto, and you will find that throughout this book I have made every effort to present all relevant house-owning information as accurately and completely as possible given the fact that I am making almost all of it up.