Which is not to say that I am unqualified to write this book. I have bought and sold several homes in my day, although I will admit that in the case of our current home, I never even saw it until after I signed the agreement of sale. My wife, Beth, did the actual shopping. This is because I get extremely nervous in sales situations. I will do absolutely anything to please the salesperson. Usually, in stores, I can flee on foot before a salesperson gets to me, but if I don’t get away, I’m a dead man. Like, if I’m walking through Sears, and I happen to pause for just a moment in the major appliances section, and one of those Sears appliance salespersons in polyester sport jackets comes sidling up and says, “Can I help you?” I instantly go into a state of extreme anxiety and say: “Yes, I’ll take one of these, please,” pointing to whatever major appliance I happen to be standing in front of, even though we probably already have one.

So I am a bad person to have on your side in a real estate sales situation. I drive my wife crazy, because I always want to buy whatever structure we happen to be standing in:

Me: Well! This looks perfect! My WIFE: This is the real estate broker’s office. ME: Well, how much are they asking?

This is why I was not actively involved in the purchase of our present house. But I still have to help pay for it, which is why even though you may not be thrilled that you bought this book, I’m certainly glad you did.

Chapter 1. Getting Ready To Get Real Depressed

Deciding Which House To Buy