Man: When you change the meaning, aren't you installing a complex equivalence?

Yes. Actually, you're not installing a complex equivalence, you are just altering the one that's already there. You're really trading. She already has one complex equivalence. She is saying «Footprints on the carpet mean bad housewife, therefore feel bad.» You are saying «Well, since you are so good at complex equivalence, try this one. This one is a lot groovier: footprints on the carpet mean that the people you love are around, therefore feel good.»

In order to make reframing work, sometimes it's better to begin with the reverse case. Leslie could have just looked at this woman and said «Well, no, no, no. You see, you're all wrong. When you see footprints, it just means that the people you care about are there.» That would not have had an impact; it would not have changed her internal experience or her response. So of course the sequencing of your delivery and your expressiveness are very important.

«You see the carpet there and it's spotless! You've cleaned it perfectly. It's fluffy. You can see the white fibers.» This is pacing: she is responding to the complex equivalence. Then you lead: «And then suddenly you realize that that means you are all alone.» That is something she had never considered before. If you think about it, that is not necessarily true. The whole family might be in the next room. However, it sounds so meaningful in that context that you can use it to influence behavior. Then you switch back: «Now put a few footprints there, and realize that those you love are near.»

Which kind of reframing is more appropriate if somebody says to you «I can't take notes. I'm so stupid!» They'll both work, but which one is more immediate? When you hear a complex equivalence as in this example, it tells you something about meaning. If I say that I don't like something, especially about others, typically it has to do with meaning. If I say «Well, Byron has never been really interested in my groups; he sits in the back corner," that's a statement about the meaning of a behavior.