James sounded like he was going to cry. I was actually starting to feel bad. I never thought I would have to come clean to anybody before. I thought it would either come down to them finding out during sex and liking it so much that they wouldn’t care, or I would stop dealing with them before they could ever figure it out. Tina didn’t school me to this part of the game. I didn’t know whether to continue denying it or just apologize and beg for his forgiveness. I knew that I would not be able to get away with denying it because as soon as he came back to Philly he would be checking for a penis. So I decided to just tell him the truth.

“Look, James, I’m sorry,” I started out, then I immediately started crying.

“You bitch! You fuckin’ dirty bitch! How the fuck could you do this shit to me, Celess? Is ya fuckin’ name even Celess?”

“James, I’m so sorry. I knew you wouldn’t have got with me if you knew, and I was feeling you,” I whined.

“Bitch, is you crazy? You damn right I wouldn’t have got with you! You a fuckin’ man! I’m not fuckin’ gay! You’s a crazy bitch! You know what yo, don’t fuckin’ call me! If you see me anywhere, don’t fuckin’ say shit to me! If you even fuckin’ look my way I will fuckin’ hurt you! I swear to God!”

Click.

I held the phone to my ear even after James had hung up. I listened to the dial tone while I cried and felt sorry for myself. I knew I should not have done that to James and he was the one who deserved sympathy, but this made me realize that I would never sincerely get what I wanted. I would never be a woman, no matter how dressed up I got or how much makeup I wore or how many hormones I took.

I needed to get out of the house. I needed a drink. I called Tina.

“What? Well, who the fuck told him that? Who in the NBA found out about us?” Tina asked.

We were in her black-on-black GS 400, a gift from her white friend Derrek, on our way to Main Street in Manayunk.