How to score: Give yourself a 5 if your heart continues to beat unassisted. If you score any lower than that, you probably shouldn’t do this particular test.
3. AEROBICS TEST
You’ll need:
A stopwatch
Gerald Ford
Directions: The word “aerobics” comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bics, meaning “withstand tremendous boredom.” This is the difference between a world-class marathon runner and a normal person: a world-class marathon runner has undergone sufficient aerobic conditioning that he can run for nearly three hours without falling asleep, whereas a normal person will quit after a few minutes and look for something interesting to do.
What you want to do in this test is start your stopwatch, then see how long you can listen to Gerald Ford discuss the federal deficit before you doze off. If Gerald Ford is unavailable, you can use televised golf.
How to score: 15 seconds is excellent. More than 30 seconds indicates some kind of brain damage.
Calculating Your Final “Fitness Quotient”
Divide your age by the number of blocks it took to hold you on the bottom of the pool, then add the number of seconds it took for Gerald Ford to sedate you multiplied by your scorpion score, unless you are claiming two or more exemptions. This will give you your “fitness quotient”; store it wherever you keep the instructions for operating your various digital watches.
Important Medical Note
Before you begin any fitness program, you should, of course, have your doctor give you a thorough physical examination in which he shoves cold steel implements into your various bodily orifices and sticks needles directly into your skin and makes you put on a flimsy garment apparently made from a cocktail napkin and parade through the waiting room carrying a transparent container filled with your own urine past several people you hope to someday ask for jobs. Or, if you’d prefer not to undergo this procedure, you may simply send your doctor some money.