Q: Where should I put insulation?

A: Wherever you can work comfortably. The worst place is the attic, because attics are hot, dangerous places, full of filthy objects and rabid bats. Oh, I know do-it-yourself home insulation articles always have pictures showing a cheerful homeowner cheerfully insulating his attic, but these pictures are frauds. I mean, look at the attic they show: It always looks clean, well lit, and safe, unlike any other attic in the known world. What those articles don’t tell you is that when the pictures were taken, dozens of highly trained men were standing just out of camera range, holding the bats at bay with semiautomatic rifles. So stay out of your attic. Put your insulation someplace safe and convenient, such as in your den or along your driveway.

Q: What kind of insulation should I buy?

A: You should definitely not buy synthetic insulation, which comes in grotesque colors and is harsh and scratchy and leaves you covered with prickly little things that will never come off as long as you live. I suggest you buy insulation that is naturally soft and washable and can be dyed to match your den decor. Cotton is a good choice.

Q: How much insulation do I need?

A: Four thousand dollars’ worth.

Q: What about blown-in insulation?

A: Blown-in insulation is fine, if you don’t mind a fuzzy tongue and wads of spit-covered insulation all over the place.

Q: How does insulation work?

A: To understand how insulation works, conduct this simple home experiment.

1. Mix yourself a stiff gin and tonic in a tall glass, then drink it. Notice how cold the glass feels? Repeat this procedure several times, until you have a really good idea how cold the glass feels.