2. Now wrap a piece of insulation around the glass and pour yourself several more gin and tonics and drink them. Notice how much warmer the glass feels? Even your stomach feels warmer, doesn’t it?

3. Repeat the procedure several times, and you’ll start having all kinds of major insights about insulation. It also works fairly well on the Middle East crisis.

Q: Do I actually have to install the insulation in my house to qualify for the federal tax credit?

A: No. You can leave it in your garage, or, if you prefer, simply toss it out of your car window on the way home from the insulation store.

Q: What is “R-value”?

A: I don’t know. It was one of those things that were in vogue back during the 1970s, like disco and the metric system, but you hardly ever hear anybody talk about it any more, so I wouldn’t worry about it. I don’t think it’s suspected of causing cancer or anything.

Q: What about dirt?

A: Dirt is a superb natural insulator. It is not mere coincidence that the Amazon jungle, which is filthy, is one of the warmest places on Earth. During the great energy crises of the 1970s, many smart, energy-conscious, patriotic homeowners stopped cleaning their houses or bathing or even wiping off the slime that grows around the base of the toilet, and today their heating bills are extremely low, although I should point out that they spend an average of $65,000 a year on antibiotics.

Caulking Doors And Windows

Energy experts tell us that caulking doors and windows is one of the easiest ways to get caulking all over yourself. Here’s how you do it:

1. Take a good, close look around the edges of your front door. See all those tiny cracks? Ignore them. I mean, why waste your time on tiny cracks? It’s the door hole (the hole that appears in your house when you open the door) that you should be worrying about. Old Man Winter isn’t going to mess around with cracks when he can just waltz through the door hole.