Well, here’s a total home storage system that will easily hold every object and domestic animal you own, yet can be easily moved or disassembled should you want to burn it. The secret is that it has a modern modular design, which means that it is actually packing crates piled on top of each other.
MATERIALS
A great many packing crates, which you can obtain at any large factory merely by demanding them at gunpoint. Also pick up a forklift.
TOOLS
A cattle prod
DIRECTIONS
Stack your crates in a modular fashion, then place your possessions in them, using your cattle prod to keep your domestic animals in place and ward off law enforcement agents should they attempt to reclaim your forklift.
Project #3: Cutting Board/ Platform Bed
Homeowners constantly complain, “I have room for a cutting board or a platform bed, but not both.” If that sounds like you, then this project is just what the doctor ordered. By day, it’s a cutting board that’s spacious enough for all your cutting needs, including whole roast oxen. By night, it’s a modern, hippie-style platform bed that combines the advantages of simple design with the advantages of sleeping on the floor.
MATERIALS
A sheet of plywood
TOOLS
An industrial-grade spatula
DIRECTIONS
1. Assemble the plywood.
2. To use the project as a cutting board, simply place it in an attractive kitchen location and cut things on it.
3. To convert it to a platform bed, simply flip it over and place it on the floor.
4. To convert it back to a cutting board, use the spatula to pry it off the floor, which it will be attached to by congealed oxen blood.
Chapter 10. Impossible Projects: How To Build A Hot Tub And A Hotter Computer
Now that you’ve built the simple and utterly useless starter projects in Chapter 9, why not tackle these two advanced projects? One reason that springs to mind is that nobody has ever been able to get either of them to work. Another is the likelihood of serious injury or death. If you need any more reasons, drop me a note, because I’m sure I can come up with dozens.