Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex who are not necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians don’t give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers. They don’t give a damn about anything, which is why they are able to produce “Laverne and Shirley” week after week.

MATERIALS

Footers and headers Many redwood slats Water A couple hundred gallons of Clorox Penicillin

TOOLS

Shovel Tub-making implements

DIRECTIONS

I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won’t do too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First, you decide which direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot tub to face is up.

The next step is to dig the footers. I’m not really sure why hot tubs need footers, but I have yet to read a do-it-yourself article that didn’t order the reader to dig a few footers, and I see no reason why I should be any more lenient than the other writers. Your footers should extend down to the “frost line,” which is a line of frost that you’ll come to if you dig deep enough. If you live in a normal state, such as Ohio, you should find the frost line about 2 feet down. If you live in Florida, you’ll have to dig 40

or 50 feet to find any frost; if you live in Maine, you’ll find your frost line 10 to 12 feet above the ground, almost any time of year.