RANDY HAMILTON

Third Trumpet from a brass-band and Army background. Another Celtic Mafia hell-raiser.

HERMIONE HAREFIELD

World-famous diva and Rannaldini’s mistress, who brings out the Crippen in all of us.

DIRTY HARRY

A bass player who never washes.

LYSANDER HAWKLEY

Rupert Campbell-Black’s jockey, the man who made husbands jealous.

HARVEY THE HEAVY

George Hungerford’s chauffeur and minder.

OLD HENRY

Oldest member of the RSO, once auditioned successfully for Toscanini, now rank-and-file First Violin.

ANTHEA HISLOP

A pianist, mostly employed for her sex appeal.

GEORGE HUNGERFORD

An extremely successful property developer.

MOTHER MARIA

A radiant Reverend Mother.

IMMACULATA

FAT ISOBEL

A very large viola player.

JISON

A dodgy local car dealer.

BRUCE KENNEDY

American pianist and judge at the Appleton Piano Competition.

KEVIN

A social worker.

MARIA KUSAK

A violin soloist, also employed for her sex appeal.

LORD LEATHERHEAD

Chairman of the RSO and crashing bore on the subject of bottled water.

BORIS LEVITSKY

A glamorous Russian conductor/composer. A bear with a very sore heart as a result of his wife Rachel’s suicide.

LILI

A bribable German judge in the Appleton Piano Competition.

LINCOLN

Fifth Horn of the RSO.

HILARY LLOYD

Second Clarinet of the RSO. An utter bitch known as the ‘Swan of Purley’ because she’s very refined and having an affaire with the leader. Hell-bent on becoming First Clarinet.