Next time you’re in a shopping mall, take a look at what these unsuccessful babies are wearing. Somewhere on virtually every child’s outfit will be embroidered either a barnyard animal or a cretin statement such as “Lil’ Angel.” Many of the babies will be wearing bib overalls, despite overwhelming scientific evidence that such garments reduce the wearer’s apparent I.Q. by as many as 65 points. Some of the girl babies will be wearing tights and petticoats that stick straight out horizontally in such a way as to reveal an enormous unsightly diaper bulge, causing them to look like miniature ballerinas with bladder disorders. Really young babies will be encased in fluffy pastel zip-up sacks with no place for the poop to get out, so that after a few hours in the mall they are no more than little pastel sacks of poop with babies’ heads sticking out.

You look at these babies, and you realize that they will never be considered for responsible positions until they learn to dress more sensibly. So when you’re shopping for clothes for your baby, stick to the time-tested dress-for-success classics—your pinstripes, your lightweight wool suits in blue or gray, stout brogans, etc. And don’t neglect the accessories! A baby sucking on a cheap pink plastic rattle is likely to be passed over at promotion time in favor of a baby sucking on a leather rattle with brass fittings.

Baby’s Toys

Your friends and relatives will buy your baby lots and lots of cute dolls and stuffed animals, all of which you should throw in the trash compactor immediately. Sure, they look cute to you, but to the baby they appear to be the size of station wagons. So all night long, while you’re safe in your animal-free bedroom, your baby is lying there, surrounded by these gigantic creatures. Try to imagine sleeping with an eight-foot-high Raggedy Ann sitting just inches away, staring at you! Especially if you had no way of knowing whether Raggedy Anns were vicious! No wonder babies cry so much at night!