My point here, young couples, is that baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don’t have the vaguest idea what you’re doing, as is evidenced by the fact that you’re reading a very sloppy and poorly researched book. So I think you should start off with the quiz below to test your knowledge of important baby facts.
Quiz for Young Couples Who Want to Have a Baby and Who Clearly Have No Idea What They’re Getting Into
1. HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU ESTIMATE THAT A BABY’S DIAPER MUST BE CHANGED BEFORE THE BABY BECOMES TOILET TRAINED?
a. One million billion jillion.
b. One skillion hillion drillion gazillion.
C. Many babies never become toilet trained.
2. WHAT IS THE MOST DISGUSTING THING YOU CAN IMAGINE THAT A BABY MIGHT DELIBERATELY PUT INTO ITS MOUTH?
a. A slime-covered slug.
b. A slime-covered slug that has just thrown up all over itself.
c. A slime-covered slug that has just thrown up all over itself because it has fallen into a vat of toxic sewage.
3. WHEN IS THE BEST TIME TO TAKE A BABY TO A NICE RESTAURANT?
a. During a fire.
b. On Easygoing Deaf People’s Night.
c. After the baby has graduated from medical school.
4. WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOUR TWO-MONTH-OLD BABY IS SCREAMING IN AN AIRPLANE AND REFUSES TO SHUT UP AND IS CLEARLY DISTURBING THE OTHER PASSENGERS?
A. Summon the stewardess and say: “Stewardess, whose baby is this?”
b. Summon the stewardess and say: “Stewardess, this baby is very interested in aviation. Please take it up and show it around the cockpit for the duration of the flight.”
c. Summon the stewardess and say: “Stewardess, please inform the captain that this infant has just handed me a note in which it threatens to continue crying unless it is taken to Havana immediately.”