WEEK 5: The fetus is only 6.7 liters in circumference yet has already developed the ability to shriek in airplanes.

WEEK 10: The fetus is almost 12 millipedes in longitude and has a prehensile tail and wings. It will probably lose these things before it is born.

WEEK 20: The fetus measures 4 on the Richter scale and is perusing mail-order catalogs from the Fisher-Price company.

WEEKS 30-40: The fetus is on vacation.

WEEK 50: The fetus can run the 100meter dash in 10.23 seconds and has developed an interest in pottery.

You must remember that when you are pregnant, you are eating for two. But you must also remember that the other one of you is about the size of a golf ball, so let’s not go overboard with it. I mean, a lot of pregnant women eat as though the other person they’re eating for is Orson Welles. The instant they find out they’re pregnant they rush right out and buy a case of Mallomars, and within days they’ve expanded to the size of barrage balloons.

Keep in mind that it’s a baby you’re eating for. If you’re going to eat for it, don’t eat like an adult; eat like a baby. This doesn’t mean you can’t have Mallomars; it means you must hold them in your hands until the chocolate melts and then rub it into your hair and the sofa. If you eat at a restaurant, feel free to order that steak you crave, but have the waiter cut it into 650,000 tiny pieces and then refuse to touch them, preferring instead to chew and swallow the cocktail napkin and then throw up a little bit on your dress.