Q. WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO MY BODY DURING PREGNANCY BESIDES THAT I WILL BECOME HUGE AND TIRED AND THROW UP A LOT AND BE CONSTIPATED AND DEVELOP HEMORRHOIDS AND HAVE TO URINATE ALL THE TIME AND HAVE LEG CRAMPS AND VARICOSE VEINS?

A. Many women also have lower back pain.

Q. IS IT SAFE TO GAMBLE AND CURSE DURING PREGNANCY?

A. Yes, but during the first trimester you should avoid gaudy jewelry.

Q. HOW LONG WILL I BE PREGNANT?

A. Most of us learn in health class that the human gestation period is nine months. Like most things we learn in health class, this is a lie. The only people who still believe it are doctors, who make a big fuss out of giving you a “due date” nine months from when they think you were fertilized, as if it takes some kind of elaborate medical training to operate a calendar. I have done exhaustive research on this question in the form of talking to my friends and listening in on other people’s conversations in the supermarket checkout line, and I have concluded that no woman has ever given birth on her “due date.” About a quarter of all pregnant women give birth “prematurely,” which means during the doctor’s vacation that immediately precedes the “due date.” All other women—and ask them if you don’t believe me—remain pregnant for at least 14 months, and sometimes much longer if the weather has been unusually hot.

Q. CAN I HAVE SEX WITH MY HUSBAND WHILE I’M PREGNANT?

A. No.

Q. WELL, CAN I HAVE SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE’S HUSBAND?

A. I don’t see why not.

The key here is to be sensitive. You must not let your wife think you find her unattractive just because she’s getting tremendously fat. Go out of your way to reassure her on this point. From time to time, say to her: “I certainly don’t find you unattractive just because you’re getting tremendously fat.” If you go to a party where every woman in the room is slinky and lithe except your wife, who is wearing a maternity outfit that makes her look like a convertible sofa, be sure to remark from time to time, in a strident voice, that you can’t judge a book by its cover. Your wife is bound to remember this sensitive gesture.