So whenever the two of you have a spare moment together, such as when you’re waiting to cash a check at the bank, the man should lean over and yell, in the general direction of the woman’s uterus, something like “THE CAPITAL OF NORTH DAKOTA IS PIERRE.” Or maybe that’s South Dakota. I can never keep the state capitals straight, because when I was in the uterus, back in 1946, Phil Donahue hadn’t been invented yet.
The Baby Shower
Probably the single most grueling ordeal a woman must endure during pregnancy is the baby shower. What happens is you have to sit in the middle of a group of women and repeatedly open gifts, and every time you open one, you have to adopt a delighted expression, then hold the gift up—even if it is disposable diapers—and exclaim, “Oh! How cute!” In some cases this goes on for hours, and all you are permitted to eat is tiny sandwiches with the crusts cut off.
At one time, most women relied on drugs to get through their showers. But more and more, women are practicing “natural” shower techniques, which allow them, through careful preparation, to have perfectly safe showers without the use of artificial substances.
The key is teamwork between you and your husband. Well in advance of the expected shower date, the two of you should practice regularly at home. Sit on the sofa while your husband hands you various objects, and practice holding them up and exclaiming, “Oh! How cute!” You must practice this every night until no matter what he hands you—an ashtray, a snow tire, a reptile, etc.—you can still appear to be genuinely delighted.
Chapter 3. Getting Ready For Baby
Precautions around the Home
Babies are equipped at birth with a number of instinctive reflexes and behavior patterns that cause them to spend their first several years trying to kill themselves. If your home contains a sharp, toxic object, your baby will locate it; if your home contains no such object, your baby will try to obtain one via mail order. Therefore, you must comb through your house or apartment and eliminate all unsafe things, including: dirt, forks, old copies of Penthouse magazine, germs, spittoons, attics, stairs, stoves, water, etc.